How is it possible to feel absolutely nothing but also be panicked at the same time? Isn’t that a logical paradox? But here I am.
I’m tired as hell but I need to stay up until at least midnight in order to maintain a sleeping schedule. I have no energy for dancing, and I think I miscalculated something, and fucked up my finances. In addition, my books are almost impossible to find for free/cheap it seems. I’m mentally overwhelmed with the debt I’m in and I know I am very close to being so afraid of it that I’m just going to forget about it because my brain will be like no, that didn’t happen. Also because my mom is snooping about it, it feels like Watergate ‘14 isn’t over.
I hate myself right now. I can’t feel that I hate myself, but I know the hate is happening because I’m doing it actively. I’ve been irresponsible with this miscalculation and inconsistent with my mom. And I’m broke but have dance things to do and school things to do. I’m so fucking terrified I’m on the verge of a total memory wipe out. I’ve been crawling away from it for weeks but it’s catching up. I’m also super duper irritatable and not even able to be there for my friends because I’m afraid that I’ll be condescending like I was last time this happened. I don’t know what to do or what to expect.