It’s not that I don’t trust anyone; I just don’t expect good things from them. Not even myself. In fact, I actively expect bad things from most people. I am just so tired of trying to be optimistic about people and being reminded again and again, by myself and by others, that there’s no good reason to be besides a contrived sense of satisfaction or pride in oneself and others. Self preservation in order to be happy.
Everyone makes connections, though, even in conditions like this, and everyone either doesn’t know or doesn’t care.
I’m just tired. I have to make a literal conscious effort to feel like anyone’s actually with me (and even that I’m with me!)and it’s just really hard. All I can feel right now is distance. I don’t even want anyone closer. Everything is so useless.